When My Baby’s Heart Stopped Beating in My Womb

* I wrote this article because maybe someone who is in a similar situation right now might need hope and comfort amidst loss. If you are that person, dear momma, be strong. My prayers are with you.

I was looking at my OB-Sonologist’s serious face while she looking at the ultrasound monitor. I’ve seen that look before… and I dreaded what she was going to say next.

“Your baby’s heart has stopped beating.”

I can’t believe that I am hearing this again for the second time. I did not feel anything upon hearing those words. I felt numb. I just wanted to know what my OB-Gyn would suggest on what to do next. I was focusing on the medical aspect first. Perhaps, it was survival instinct.

She told me that we would wait for the fetus to pass out. At the back of my mind, I had a flashback of my first pregnancy. I was in the labor room for 78 hours and the doctors were doing various procedures on how to induce the baby at 19 weeks so that contractions will start. I saw pregnant women wheeled in and out of the labor room, going to the operating room, and I hear their babies cry after a while. I knew, I would not hear mine cry. After a long and traumatic wait, my contractions started…out came my little boy. I was able to hold that tiny lifeless baby in my palm. After that incident, I tried to forget what happened. I never really had the moment to grieve and reflect about the loss. People expect you to move on fast and go on with your life. I did. And it was a mistake.

When I lost this second baby, all the grief that was bottled up inside me 8 years ago came back. And I felt terrible. It was grief doubled! Miscarriage sucks.

I immediately bought a stuff toy to hug…something to represent the baby I lost.

I am writing this blog a week later after I learned that my 3rd baby’s heart stopped beating. And because I am still in my first trimester, we are waiting for the miscarriage to progress at home.

A Time for Grieving While Waiting for the Miscarriage to Progress

This has been an emotional week for me. I am crying, crying, and crying. I read about blogs of other women who went through the same experience and I feel that somehow, I am not alone. I read quotes about miscarriage and child loss which made me cry even more. I read Bible verses that might give me comfort. I tried to pray to God but it was too difficult to pray at this time. I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know what to say to God. I also don’t want to ask Him any questions. I am not mad at Him. But I am at a loss for words. I messaged friends who are closest to me to please pray for me and my husband so that we may find grace amidst difficulties. I also felt that this “waiting” time is also a time for me to grieve while the baby is still with me.

We never announced this pregnancy in social media. We just told family and friends. My personal reason for not announcing this pregnancy is that my husband and I felt it is too early to rejoice. We knew that at any time things could go wrong. Then what we fear happened, something went wrong. At the same time, I also want to acknowledge that my babies existed even for a little while. Perhaps this is the reason why I am writing this blog post.

Husbands Grieve Too Deep Inside But They Need to Be Strong

I know that my husband tries to be strong for me and our son. I know he grieves too but he does not show it. I know he is worried. He fears that I would go down to the spiral course of depression so he tries his best to be there for me. He keeps me company as long as his schedule allows him to. He would listen when I speak my mind out. He would take the time to read and edit my blog posts because he knows that writing is my outlet. Writing my heart out makes me feel better. We would do nature walks with my four-year old son to help me calm my mind. A hug can be comforting when we don’t know what to say to each other. A second pregnancy loss does not make anything easier. I praise God for the unconditional love and support of my husband.

Music Can Minister to A Broken Heart

Music has the power to heal. What we cannot speak out, we can communicate through songs. I wrote earlier that at the moment I don’t know what to pray for. I don’t know what to say to the Lord. But this particular song strikes a chord in my heart. This was the same song I played over and over again when I experienced my first miscarriage because it ministered to me. This was written by Matt Redman and his wife Beth. It is about the pain we face during seasons of unease. During these trying and difficult seasons, we need to find our voice before God to help us go through life.

Blessed Be Your Name

Blessed be Your name,
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name.

Every blessing You pour out,
I’ll turn back to praise.
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious name.

Blessed be Your name,
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name.
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be You name.

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name.

This song reminds me of Job, he was blessed by the Lord in his land. But a time came when he was faced with a series of trials. He felt grief and sadness amidst his losses but his faith with the Lord never faltered. He still praised him amidst all the hardships that he faced in life. I pray that my husband and I will have the faith of Job.

Essential Oils for Emotional Support

After two weeks of my miscarriage not progressing, my OB-Gyn decided to perform a Dilation and Curettage (D & C) procedure.

I have done this before and doing this again is scary and uncomfortable. I used essential oils for emotional support before and after I underwent with the procedure and I think they helped a lot for emotional support. I wish I knew all about Essential Oils for emotions during our first child loss. It might have helped too. I used Valor, Peace and Calming, Frankincense, Sacred Frankincense, Lavender, and Panaway for my different needs.

We are Thankful for Everyone Who Helped Us Survive This Journey

We would not have survived this journey if not for the help and prayers of people.

Bible Verses That Ministered to My Heart During Miscarriage

He creates beauty from ashes. – Isaiah 6:13

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness. – 2 Corinthians 12:9

When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. – Psalms 56:3

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. – Job 1:21

When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.- Psalm 61:2

I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you. – 2 Kings 20:5

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 28:8

A Poem About Miscarriage

Do I count as a mother?
When my body never gave birth.
When my child never drew breath,
On this beautiful earth.

Do I count as a mother?
When my belly never grew.
When I never heard your heartbeat,
Or your cries the whole night through.

Do I count as a mother?
When you don’t even have a name,
Never knowing if you were a boy or a girl,
No one understands this pain.

Please let me count as your mother.
You are my baby for as long as I live.
I have been robbed of so many moments,
You were my baby and too much to give.
-Gabrielle Rose

Quotes About Miscarriage

“Your heart stopped but my love for you did not.”- Zoe Clark-Coates

“God knows how to make broken pieces into beautiful testimonies.”

“A right view of God, of His holiness will allow you to see who you really are. Brokenness is not focusing on yourself. You need to see yourself as God sees you.”- Dr. Peter Tan-chi

“Keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again.”- Lalah Delia

“When you are pregnant you are either talking to your baby constantly in your mind or thinking of things relating to your baby. That is why it is like falling through a trap door if they die. One moment you are in this avid dialogue, the next moment silence. I think it may be the loneliest feeling in the world.” Zoe Clark-Coates

“Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly”- Kathryn Miller Ridiman

“She was brave and strong and broken…all at once.”- Unknown

If you are experiencing pregnancy loss right now, I pray that the Lord’s healing comfort be upon you and your husband. May God’s loving presence surround you with His grace. Take the time to cry. Take your time to grieve. Everything will be better. Yes, trust me, everything will get better soon.

Bible Verses and Comfort for Mom’s Going Through a Miscarriage